I love the title of this Foo Fighters’ album. The words remind me to enjoy what is most important, family. The time that our boys were home with us was filled with lots of noise: music, guitars, drums, light sabers, video games, science experiments with explosions in the backyard, soccer balls being hit against the wall in the basement…then suddenly, they’re grown up men living in their own homes. It happened so fast. The echoes and silence when kids move out can make some people sad.
But my husband and I never felt that empty nest syndrome that people talk about, perhaps because we are so busy with work that most days we never have the time to reflect on the noise reduction.
I have tried to create a peaceful home environment because the world has a lot noise, and not just auditory noise, but also visual noise. It is deafening at times. There are some who thrive in this cacophony, and some who add to it. Some like homes with a lot of color and action, and I prefer black and white with pops of color here and there.
I prefer the quiet. Not just in sound, but also in people. People who listen, but also have something interesting to share are rare. Some people put out sound bites because it’s an easy segue to idle chitchat. Not everyone (including myself) is good at small talk. I prefer actual conversations where both parties are involved. Not to say sound bites are always bad, but why not prepare with some interesting conversation starters when you’re around others, especially over the holidays? Sometimes all I get is, “How’s the real estate business?” over and over and over…which is fine, but I would love to be asked other questions.
I love it when I’m around friends or clients who bring up something that they’ve read or a film they think I might enjoy. How refreshing to not hear about the same topics. For instance, the other day I had a beautiful conversation with a couple I’m currently working with about Season 2, Episode 8 of Ted Lasso which segued into a conversation about works of literature with the father/son struggle. That was cool! They didn’t know that I used to teach literature, and I was thrilled that they loved their literature classes in high school and college.
Even in literature, it’s the moments of quiet where you will find meaning. Silence provides space for reflection and growth. Silence provides time to listen, not hear, but listen. Thomas Hardy (in my opinion) was the master of silence in a narrative. During these pauses the reader can reflect on what is happening internally to a character, and from that learn empathy. Not all character development needs dialogue and description. Silence captures the human condition and connects us all.
So that silence, scary sound bites, or idle chitchat doesn’t envelop you, prepare with with fun topics for your next get together, perhaps Thanksgiving. Maybe print questions for people to pull out of a bowl to discuss. Ground rules is that people who don’t have a question need to listen, not share their answer unless asked after the person answers. Here are some suggestions:
Who was your childhood celebrity crush? Why?
What is a language you love to listen to even if you don’t speak or understand it? Why?
Where are some of your favorite places to travel? What do you enjoy most about those places?
Have you read a good book lately? Tell me about it.
What was your first concert? Who were your favorite bands growing up? Who do you listen to now?
What were you like in high school? How have you changed?
Did you have a teacher or professor who impacted your thinking? How?
Do you prefer the oceans, a city, or mountains? Why?
Do you remember the first novel you ever read? If so, what was it?
If you could have a fictional superhero for a best friend, who would it be?
What is something you have accomplished as an adult that your younger self would be proud of?
What’s your favorite comfort food? Who made it in your family?
What do you love most about your home? Why?
What’s a yearbook-style superlative you’d give to your high school self? What’s one for your current self?
If you were to perform with a famous musician, who would it be and why?
What was the first big purchase you made as an adult?
If you could travel back in time, which part of your life would you go back to?
If you could have one literary or movie character as your best friend, who would it be and why?
What is your favorite season? Why?
What superpower do you wish you had? Why?
What do you wish people better understood about you?
My husband and I have found ourselves at social gatherings lately that began as lovely get-togethers and suddenly shifted to fight club when someone would bring up a controversial topic. We were thrown off when this first happened, and not sure how to react. But we were smart enough to prepare for the next time. We found that reacting with silence is a good way to divert the disaster, and then bring up something positive, like Ted Lasso or a book that I’ve just read, Dave Grohl’s The Storyteller: Tales of Life and Music. Or I might ask about peoples’ travels. This awkwardness might be avoided with the conversation starters. If you listen to the answers, you might find that you have something in common with a person in the room, which may lead to a great conversation.
Silence, either through listening to understand or through respect of a human, is necessary.
Simply listening and asking questions (for understanding) helps us to learn and grow. How lucky are we to live in a place where the exchange of ideas is legal and helps us to advance? It is my goal to practice patience and grace, and to cultivate that peaceful space while enjoying family and friends over Thanksgiving. If you find yourself at my house over the holidays, don’t be surprised if you’re asked to draw questions out of a bowl.